Harry Potter and the Evil Cookies
by J.S. Goldberg
Summary: This is my own version of Harry Potter.It starts from Harry's first year.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: A New Start

This story starts off at Harry's first year of Hogwarts. Where he meets his friends Ron and Hermione. I do not own any of these characters, other than the ones I made up.

Harry turned around the corner nervously. He was looking for his dorm room. He wasn't listening to Dumbledore when he gave directions at breakfast this morning. When he turned the corner he found a guy and a girl making out. It was an eleven-year boy like himself. He had red hair and freckles. The girl looked a little older, but Harry wasn't positive at how old she was. She had brown, wavy hair.

When the boy noticed Harry was there, they broke apart.

"Um…sorry." Harry said.

"Its ok mate. I'm Ron." The boy introduced himself. Harry looked to the girl.

"I'm Hermione Granger."

"Nice to meet you both. Say, you wouldn't happen to know where the Gryffindor common room is do you?"

"Yeah, we were just heading up there." Ron said.

"Before you got interrupted?" Harry said with a smirk. Ron nodded. Ron and Harry walked a little bit behind Hermione on the way to the dormitory.

"I tap that." Ron said. Harry laughed.

"You do not. Don't listen to him." Hermione said.

"She's feisty, isn't she?" Ron said. Hermione rolled her eyes. Ron and Harry caught up to Hermione. Ron smacked her butt, and Hermione slapped him.

"Bloody hell. What was that for?" Ron asked.

"You spanked me!" Hermione said. She walked off upset.

"Mental that one." Ron said. Another girl distracted Harry. She had red hair down to her shoulders, and freckles like Ron.

"What are you staring at?" Ron asked when Harry stopped moving altogether.

"Her. Girl with the red hair and freckles. She's hot. Ever tapped her?" Harry asked.

"Uh…no! That's my sister." Ron said disgusted.

"Oh…sorry man." Harry said quickly. "Wait what year is she?"

"A first year like us. Me and her are fraternal twins."

"Oh." Harry said with an apologetic smile. "I never did introduce myself. I'm-"

"Harry Potter." Ron finished for him. Harry gave a look of confusion. "You're famous. Everyone knows who _you _are."

Harry shrugged.

Later that day, after lunch they had one class: Charms. Harry sat between Ron and Hermione. The charms teacher walked in through the doors.

"Hello students." The teacher said.

"Hello." The class said in unison.

"Now we should all introduce each other. We'll start with you Mr. Strawberry Short-Cake."

The class burst out laughing.

"I'm Ron Weasley. And ladies my number is 555-sexy." Harry chuckled while Hermione rolled her eyes. Some of the other girls rolled their eyes, and others giggled.

"I'm Harry Potter."

There was complete silence. Everyone watched Harry intently. Harry could feel some of the girls undressing him with their eyes, and a couple of guys. One of which was Neville Longbottom. A little shy, brown haired dork. He couldn't help being a dork. He was just so easy to make fun of.

"I'm Hermione Granger." Hermione moved on. After everyone had finished introducing himself or herself, the charms teacher allowed people to ask questions. Ron raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Weasley?"

"Is there a spell to lets say… take off girl's clothes?"

Hermione gave Ron a look, and Ron gave her a naughty grin. Harry laughed in silence.

"How could you ask such a thing?"

"You didn't answer my question."

The teacher thought for a moment. "Yes. I do believe someone has made a spell like that."

"Who?" Hermione asked offended.

"Fred and George Weasley."

Ron and Harry laughed at the irony. Who else but the masters of pranks, Ron's brothers.

"Hey Hermione want to practice some spells later? You know, make some magic." Ron said seductively.

"No."

Ron was now irritated.

"Why are playing hard to get?" Ron asked.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are. You're the biggest tease I've ever met."

"Kiss my ass!"

Ron raised his eyebrows in a naughty way. "Gladly."

"You are such a pig."

At this point everyone was watching them fight. It was like reality TV without the TV. Harry slipped lower in his seat wishing he hadn't sat between them.

"You weren't saying that earlier." Ron said. Hermione glared at him. "Oh Ron. Uh…uh…Ron." Ron mocked. The whole class was laughing, excluding Hermione and the teacher.

"Come one now." The teacher said, but no one was listening to him.

"You know what?" Hermione said.

"What?" Ron replied.

"Blow it out your ass!"

And with that, Hermione walked out of the class with steam almost coming out of her ears. People's mouths dropped. Ron relaxed in his seat and looked to Harry.

"She digs me."

Next was Potions. This time Hermione sat a row behind Harry and Ron. She sat directly behind Harry. That's when Draco walked in. He had his blonde hair streaked back with gel, and he walked like he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. He made his way towards Hermione and sat next to her.

"Hey."

All the girls melted when he spoke, but Hermione wasn't falling for his gross charm. Hermione rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the teacher.

"That's ok. I like a challenge." Draco whispered to Hermione. Ron glared at Draco.

"Hello class." Professor Snape said without any enthusiasm. A girl walked through the door, interrupting Snape. She handed him a note. Harry was drawn to her. He just felt a sudden attraction to her. Her dirty blonde hair bounced as she walked to her seat next to Harry. She had a twinkle in her sea-green eyes. Harry noticed she smelled like lavender (not the character, the other lavender). She turned and smiled at Harry, and Harry smiled back.

"Hi, I'm Samantha." She said sweetly.

"I'm Harry Potter."

"I know." She giggled.

After class Harry pulled Samantha over.

"Hey, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out sometime."

Samantha paused. "Sure."

The two of them walked off together. Then realizing what had just happened, a single tear ran down Neville's face as he held a black dead rose. His only true love was in love with someone else.

"Get to class you little freak." Snape said. Neville ran the opposite direction. Snape stood in the hallway. All of a sudden the Halleluiah chorus started and an angel appeared before Snape's eyes.

"Not you."

The angel came down and chased Snape down the hall.

"Meredith, go away!"

When Snape was in his early twenties, a girl named Meredith had loved him. Snape did not love her back, but Meredith still tried and tried to be with him. She then died in a car crash. So after she died, every so often she would come from heaven to kiss Snape.

Finally Meredith caught up to Snape and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

**Author's Note: Should I continue this story? I want to know if people think I should. If I get enough yes's I will. So if you want me to continue, please let me know. Oh, and does anyone know the charm's teacher's name. I forgot it.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

After getting in some studying, Harry walked in the common room. There he caught Ron and Hermione making out on the couch. Hermione was about to take off her shirt, when Harry made it clear he was there. Hermione squeaked and covered up.

"Sorry. I'll go."

"No, its ok Harry." Hermione said. Hermione walked to the door. "I think I'll go study anyway."

"Dude!" Ron said a tad bit upset.

"What?"

"I was just about to get some action, and you ruined it." Ron said.

"How do you think I feel?" Harry said in his defense. "I seriously feel like I'm going to vomit."

"If you could live through You-Know-Who almost killing you, I think you could handle Hermione and I…" Ron didn't finish his sentence because he didn't have to.

"Well I was a baby. I had no clue what was going on. And I would very much like it if I didn't see your bare ass. Or any other part of your anatomy for that matter." Harry said.

"Hey ladies." Fred and George said walking into the common room from the stairs to the dormitories.

"Hey." Ron said.

"So brother…" Fred said sitting to Ron's right. George sat to Ron's left.

"We saw you with Hermione." George said.

"And we would like to talk to you about…"

"Sex." They said in unison.

"I already know what sex is."

"Really?" Fred asked with a grin.

"How many ways can you have sex?" George asked.

"One way." Ron said with confidence. The twins chuckled.

"On the contrary my brother." Fred said.

"There are three ways." George finished. "There's anal sex, oral sex, and vaginal sex."

"Ew." Ron and Harry said together.

"You see…" Fred started.

"You know the third way, which is vaginal sex. Which is what you were about to do with Ms. Granger."

"Anal is through the butt and oral is well… How should I put this George?"

"You know why they call that one toothbrush Oral B?"

Ron and Harry faced each other. "EW!" they shouted together.

"Now, we'll go into that later. First we'll talk about the dangers of STD's and pregnancy." Fred said.

At this point Ron and Harry started to run out of the room.

"Wait! We have diagrams!" Fred shouted.

"And a slideshow!" George shouted.

Later that day, Harry met Samantha in the library. They took a walk around the campus and talked until they were outside by the lake. They sat down on the firm but soft grass. Samantha looked amazingly beautiful with the wind blowing her hair softly. Samantha caught Harry staring at her.

"What?" she asked sweetly. Harry shrugged. Samantha giggled. She looked into Harry's eyes. She started to move in closer, their lips mere inches apart. At that moment, Fred and George's words came into his mind.

_Why do you think they call that toothbrush Oral B? Oral sex…_

Before Samantha could kiss Harry, he ran off screaming like a little girl. Samantha sat there in confusion and pouted.

"Go away Meredith!" Snape ran past Samantha. Snape dove into the lake and stayed there until Meredith unhappily went back to heaven. It was meatloaf today, Meredith's favorite.

Samantha got up and walked back to her dormitory upset and hurt. As Harry walked into the dormitory he saw Fred and George showing Neville Longbottom their slideshow. After he gagged, he made his way over to Hermione.

"Hey Harry." Hermione said with a grin on her face.

"What are so happy about?"

"Fred told me about your little talk earlier. I find it humorous."

"Humorous? I almost barfed." Harry said. As Ron walked in, he gave Harry a signal to go sit on the couch. Ron pulled Hermione upstairs with a plastic bag in his other hand. Harry didn't know, and wanted it to stay that way.

Ron tossed Hermione on his bed, and Ron went on top of her. They started to make out. Ron broke apart.

"I got the toothbrushes." Ron said. Ron pulled two Oral B toothbrushes out of the bag. Hermione rolled her eyes and walked out of the dormitory. The moment was gone.

"Hey Harry."

"Hey Neville." Harry replied. Harry looked at Neville who was staring at Harry. "Can I help you?"

Although Neville had some ideas in his mind, he shook his head.

"Oh, some creepy guy told me to give this to you." Neville said. It was a piece of parchment. It was a note. It read:

_Dear Harry Potter,_

_We must meet tonight in the forbidden forest. Come alone. Eh, you can bring Ron and Hermione. Catch you later!_

_M.R._

Harry looked at the note wide-eyed. _Oh snap, _Harry thought.

**Author's Note: So, did you like it? If you guys have any ideas about what you want to happen don't be afraid to tell me. I'll try and see if I can stick it in my story. So for now, adios amigos! (hehehehe, that rhymed)**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

After Harry re-read the note five times, he ran upstairs and burst into the boy's dormitory.

"Ron! Ron!"

Harry stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Ron by himself.

"Where's Hermione?"

Ron pointed to his right.

"Oh. Struck out?"

"I don't get it. I got the toothbrushes and everything." Ron whimpered.

"Maybe she didn't want oral."

"Well she could have just said so."

Ron pouted. "Women."

"No kidding. Earlier, I was about to kiss that new girl Samantha. But then Fred and George's words kept playing in my head. I ran away screaming."

Ron laughed.

"Sure laugh at me. I could just as easily laugh at you." Harry said bitterly. Ron smiled in apology. "Anyway, I have to tell you and Hermione something."

"Tell me now."

"Fine. I got this note saying to meet someone tonight. I wanted you guys to come with." Harry said.

"Can't. I'm helping Hermione with her audition."

"What audition?"

"For the talent show silly."

"Oh."

"We'll come later. Promise." Ron said. Harry nodded his head.

"Its in the forbidden forest." Harry said.

"Well duh!"

Harry was in a state of confusion.

"Come on! Such a cliché! Creepy guy, creepy note, creepy place. It's like a horror movie but without the actors, cameras, and lackeys. And no one to get you a good cappuccino."

Harry nodded and walked out the door. As Harry was heading out, Hermione was walking in.

"So where are we practicing?"

Ron led her to the Great Hall.

"Professor Dumbledore lent me the space for tonight. And tomorrow night." Ron said as he plugged in a boom box.

"What's the boom box for?" Hermione asked.

"You're going to dance."

"Oh, I was thinking of playing the flute or the piano." Hermione said with a huge smile.

"Screw the flute and piano. You're never going to be accepted let alone win if you play the flute."

Hermione started to talk, but Ron cut her off.

"Or the piano."

Hermione sighed defeated.

"Ok. I'll show you the steps."

"Alright you're going to grapevine to the right and turn to the left. Then you're going pop, lock, and drop."

"I'm sorry. Pop, lock and what?"

"Drop. Like this." Ron said demonstrating. Hermione smiled and tried it.

"Got it."

Ron looked at Hermione memorized. "You're so hot."

Hermione blushed.

"Now once you stand up you're going to go down to touch your toes."

"Ok."

Hermione did it. Ron spanked Hermione's butt. Hermione sprung up immediately.

"Very good."

"Excuse me?"

"You're supposed to come up like that." Ron said smiling. "Now, you'll be wearing your white uniform shirt over a white tank top." Hermione nodded. "You will start to unbutton your shirt, and then you'll rip it off."

"Excuse me. Is this a strip tease? Where's the pole?" Hermione said. "I'm not doing this."

"Baby, just listen to the song. You'll love it."

"Ok."

Hermione took a seat in a chair. Ron turned on the music. It was "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls. Ron was performing the moves to the song. When Ron was ripping off his shirt, Hermione shifted uncomfortably in her seat. That's when Fred and George walked into the Great Hall. When Ron was done the twins were clapping and requesting encores.

"Very nice little bro." Fred said.

"Apparently, you haven't listened to a word we said. Luckily, we brought pamphlets." George said smirking.

"Go away." Ron said. "And no one wants those stupid pamphlets."

"I'll take one." Nearly Headless Nick said passing by.

"So, brother, is that what _you're _doing for the talent show?"

"No. I was showing it to Hermione. Its what she'll be doing." Ron said.

"Hmmm… Ms. Granger. Me like."

"Put a sock in it George." Hermione said. Then she turned to Ron. "And I'm not going to do a strip tease for the entire school to see!"

Hermione stormed out of the Great Hall.

"Nice one little bro." Fred said.

"Shut up. At least I _have _a girlfriend."

"Not for long."

Ron shook his head and ran after Hermione.

Harry walked uneasily into the forbidden forest. _Creepy note, creepy guy, creepy place. This feels…creepy, _Harry thought. Harry walked to the point where he was officially creeped out. It was dark, cold, and foggy. He started to turn and run when he bumped into Samantha.

"Samantha?"

"Harry?"

"Are you M.R.?" Harry asked.

"No. Those are my father's initials." Samantha giggled. She quickly stopped. "Oh no!"

"What?"

"Hello Harry." Harry turned around. "Its such a pleasure to meet you."

Standing in front of him was his biggest enemy.

"Can't say the same, Voldemort."

"Voldemort? No, my name is Moldemort." He said with a chuckle showing off his ugly teeth.

"Moldemort?"

"Yes."

"Voldemort?" Samantha giggled. "What kind of name is Voldemort?"

Harry gave out a dry laugh. "Yeah. Silly me."

"Now, I have a request."

"What?"

"Come to the dark side, Harry. We could use you. And we have many perks." Moldemort said.

"Like what?"

"We have cookies."

"Psht, like I can be bribed. Wait, cookies?"

Moldemort nodded.

"No! What am I saying? What kind?"

"A variety."

A plate of cookies appeared in front of Harry. Ron found Harry and ran to him.

"Hey Harry- COOKIES!"

Ron took a chocolate chip cookie. Harry smacked the cookie out of Ron's hand and glared at him.

"So, what will it be Mr. Potter?"

**Author's note: So, did you like it? I enjoyed writing this chapter. Oh, and I have to give some credit out. In the first chapter or second (unsure) I used my cousin's phrase "blow it out your ass". So I have to give Let-The-Darkness-Take-Me credit. And my friend Melissa created the thing with cookies in this chapter. She is a genius!! Bye for now my readers!**


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